10 things to say to a pregnant woman

One of things which never ceases to amaze me is how much negativity there seems to be around pregnancy and childbirth. In spite of the fact that everyone on this planet has been through the process, so many people find the whole subject more of a concern than a joy.  I understand why this has happened and why people who have found it a difficult experience, find solace in talking about their experiences to others. However if we all started promoting a sense of positivity and empowerment when talking to a pregnant woman, maybe we could break the viscous cycle. 

So I came up with my top 10 things I say to pregnant woman:-

1. You look wonderful - pregnancy obviously suits you
2. This is going to be one lucky baby
3. You and your baby will be life long best buddies
4. What are you most looking forward to?
5. What has been your favourite moment of pregnancy so far?
6. The body is simply amazing - every baby truly is a miracle
7. (If this is a second pregnancy) I’d be happy to look after your    
    child so you can have some time to yourself
8.  I am so jealous!
9.  Birth was the most amazing experience of my life
10. I am here if you need me at any time

The secret to coping with labour and birth

If you are currently pregnant or even planning to have a baby then the thought of giving birth will have crossed your mind once or twice!  From those cringe worthy sex education videos to One Born Every Minute to well-meaning neighbours, the message most women get is that birth hurts like hell, that you will be in labour for days, that you are likely to scream the place down and turn the air blue with a few choice words begging for drugs.  Is it any wonder then that 8 out of 10 women in a Mother and Baby survey were terrified of giving birth?  And yet if you were to switch over to the Discovery channel and were to watch a programme of any other mammal giving birth, she would be quiet, calm, mobile and seem to just get on with it.  We know that mammals register and feel pain, yet somehow during labour they don’t seem to show the same characteristics as women on OBEM.

So do you think that maybe there is a chance that us women could also experience labour and birth being calm, more in control and better able to deal with the pain?  More and more women, have discovered that by listening to hypnotherapy CDs, they can learn safe, simple and easy ways to stay calmer, be less fearful, be better able to cope with labour and have a more positive experience. 

So how you can turn from a potential screaming banshee to a calm, serene birthing goddess by just listening to a relaxing hypnotherapy CD?  Well, it all comes down to hormones and how you are feeling in the lead up to and during the labour.  If you are scared your body will be in a “fight or flight” mode and birth becomes tough; if you are calm, relax and breathe slowly, your body can just get on with it. To put it into context, imagine you are labouring alone out in the wild. Suppose you saw or even thought you saw a dangerous animal lurking in the shadows. What do you think would happen? Would you have a conscious choice on what happens next? Simply believing there is a wild animal in your birth space would instantly stimulate the “fight or flight” response. Your muscles would tighten, blood would flow to your limbs and contractions would slow down or stop and would not resume until you felt safe.

This fear, whether real or imagined, activates the nervous system to produce adrenaline (danger hormone), which gives you a burst of power to fight or to run away. Your cervix tightens (to prevent giving birth where it is not safe) and the increased level of adrenaline neutralises the oxytocin (the hormone responsible for your contractions) so that your body slows down or even stops labour. All this “fight or flight” preparation uses a great deal of energy and as our bodies were only designed to be in this state for a few minutes, you can imagine that staying in this state for prolonged periods of time will lead to prolonged labour, horribly painful contractions which will be extremely exhausting for both mum and baby.

You may be asking, “what does a women giving birth in a jungle have to do with me?” This is essentially about fear – fear of pain, fear of dying, fear of tearing. Your nervous system does not know the difference between fear from real danger or imagined fear, from what you may have seen on the tele or told by friends and family and so your body will respond in the same way to both. If you go into labour feeling and being frightened, your system will respond accordingly.

So how does being relaxed and calm make a difference? By being able to relax during labour, your body responds in a very different way to the fear scenario described above. When you are relaxed, your breathing is even, ensuring a high level of oxygen is entering both you and your baby’s body, helping your baby remain calm and stable. Increased oxygen stimulates the production of oxytocin (hormone responsible for contractions) and the natural pain killer, endorphins. As the uterus has no resistance or tension from surrounding muscles, the contractions are more effective and more manageable. Other natural hormones also increase in including relaxin which allows the tissue of the birth canal to relax, soften and expand.

One of the easiest and most relaxing ways to help you shift from being anxious to being calmer, is to listen to a Natal hypnotherapy CD in the weeks leading up to the birth. Over 2000 midwives now recommend Natal Hypnotherapy as they have seen how beneficial it can be for both mum and baby. Listening to the CD is a great excuse to go and lie down for half an hour knowing you are doing something really practical and useful to prepare for the birth. My voice guides you into a deeply relaxed state using breathing techniques, guided imagery and visualisation. Once you are deeply relaxed, your conscious mind becomes quiet and you become open and receptive to positive suggestions about the birth, learning coping strategies and pain management techniques, all geared towards helping you stay calm and able to deal effectively with contractions.

As any midwife will tell you, the secret to coping with labour is to relax and breathe. By listening to the CD over and over again before labour you become brilliant at relaxing and effective breathing and are mentally familiar with the processes of giving birth, which naturally increases your confidence and reduces any fear associated with birth. The hypnotherapy techniques put you in control, so that you have all the coping strategies you need for the big day, no matter who else is there to support you. All this for just £10 – it’s a no brainer really!

A mums review of the "The Effective Birth Preparation" by Maggie Howell.

Thank you Kate for your honest and candid review of the book

"Before the Birth

This was the most useful tool in the preparation for the birth that I came across and reading it prior to doing any Yoga or NCT classes was really beneficial. In a very practical (and never patronising) way it describes what will physically happen to your body and this. Along with the practical exercises, and by understanding the process I was able to logically address my fears.  From my personal experience I am most afraid of placental abruption - so I have been able to eliminate this by understanding it as much as I can and opting for the injection to artificially deliver the placenta post birth to reduce the risk.

Real life experiences

 I was already a convert of this type of therapy as I used a similar system to give up smoking many years ago so I already have the confidence that what Margaret talks about will work but in addition I particularly like the real life stories and as my NCT friends are gradually giving birth its interesting that those who are the most prepared and calm are having the easiest experiences.

 Advice for birthing partners

 I think this is probably the most important part of the book. The bit about asking is mine or the babies life in any danger and then taking the time to consider I think will be one of the most powerful tools on our side once in the hospital environment.  Having already done a short stay at the hospital where I am having the baby I know that they are very process and procedure driven which may or may not be right for me. (Note I am a high risk pregnancy so hospital only option)

 Things that could be added

I thought this book was excellent as a whole but if Margaret had any plans to expand it - it would be really interesting to know any projects or case studies she has done in hospitals that have utilised this process and hear from the point of view of the hospitals, consultants and GPs (not the midwives). I have come across numerous midwives and birthing centres that strongly support this approach from friends, to birthing centres that run hypno birthing courses and a student midwife at my yoga class keen to learn more.... but the GPs and Consultants I have come across told me (and I quote) 'birthing plans are a waste of time I don’t understand why anyone would opt for anything than an epidural!' This is the reality of the medical system that operates and it’s the consultants and GPs (not the midwives) that make the decisions about your care all the way through the antenatal process especially if you are a high risk pregnancy- and they are supposed to be the experts so its a brave person that challenges their thinking. This is probably a bit much to put on Margaret's shoulders but it would only take a few GPs to support this system and the ball would be rolling.

After the Birth

So did it work… yes!

 Although I didn’t think so at the time! My labour story is by no means the horror story that many of my poor NCT friends seemed to have suffered. There were a couple of things that swung in my favour that really helped.

 Positive events that I believe were linked to the hypno – therapy and the effective birth prep book: 

• I remained in a zone for every contraction. The 321 relax technique and turning down the dial on the pain really helped. Interestingly they helped not just with the contractions but also for the internal examinations. 
  
  
• I ended up having to get my husband to tell the hospital that I was coming in as they thought I sounded too calm on the phone. When I got there I was 5cm dilated.
  
  
• Unfortunately, when I entered the self-doubt phase I was asking for an epidural. My cervix got stuck at 9cm dilated. I had a hugely supportive midwife who had read and understood my birth plan. Between her and my husband they persuaded me to go back into my ‘zone’ I did this as some of the words from the tape came to me from nowhere. Every contraction takes you one step closer to meeting your baby’

The midwife said my labour was really inspirational.  I had a chuckle at this because it was way more painful than I had expected and calm/ inspirational would be last word I would use to describe what was going on in my head! But all in it was a positive experience. My husband said that although I had felt I was out of control compared to the other wailing women in the delivery unit I was incredibly calm! I didn’t even give a second thought to the issues with my placenta and Maia got two 9s and a 10 on her APGAR tests straight after birth and I couldn’t ask for more than that.

I would definitely recommend this book but I think it needs to be read in conjunction with other activities such as the NCT classes and the yoga classes (It does say this in the book).

Things that didn’t work for me – I went so far into my own zone that I didn’t want anyone near me! Including my husband. It wasn’t the candles and massage oil Zen like experience I had imagined but it got me through and a healthy baby."

'I'm a new mum and I had a really bad birth experience which I haven't quite got over yet- is this normal?'

I was asked this question for a mother and baby magazine:

Yes it is completely normal.  Having a traumatic experience is not something that you can just forget or sweep under the carpet – no matter how many times people tell you that you should be grateful or happy that you have a healthy baby! No one can go back and change the events of your birth, however with time, gentle support and guidance you can change how you feel about the birth, and begin to look to a time in the future when you will no longer feel this way.

Do not feel that you have to hurry to get over it or to move on. Take your time to come to terms with the fact that your experience was not as you had hoped and that you have strong emotions that need time to heal.

Steps to help yourself.

1.      Talk about your experience with someone you trust. Find someone who will simply listen and not try to give you advice or to judge your view of what happened. 

2.      Ask your maternity unit for a full debrief of your birth experience. This will help you have a better understanding of what happened and to put things in context. Some hospitals now have post birth support groups so you can talk about what happened in a safe, supportive setting. They will also have details of counsellors for you to talk to.

3.      There are several charities and support groups such as the Birth Trauma Association which have local support groups as well as a supportive closed facebook group.

4.      Write down your birth experience as you remember it now in as much detail as you can. Then put it in a sealed envelope and post it to a made up address.  Then write down 5 - 10 good things that you remember about the birth – no matter how small for example the sun was shining, the midwife had a nice smile, and put it somewhere safe to look at when you are feeling a bit down.

5.      Seek out self help books and stories on line.  It can be comforting to read about other people’s experiences and how they got through the difficult times.

6.      Use a self hypnosis CD such as “Overcome Birth Trauma” (www.overcomebirthtrauma.co.uk) which offers you a calm, gentle voice to help you cope better, especially during difficult times. It will help you take time out to relax and allows you to gently reflect on and begin to let go of the negative feelings associated with your experience. It helps build your confidence, feelings of control and acceptance of what happened, so are able to move forward with a sense of hope that you will not always feel the way you do right now. (The CD does not require to you to relive the experience at all).

By using self-help techniques, coupled with the support of sympathetic friends and family, it is completely possible to come to terms with the difficult birth you experienced, accept the feelings associated with it and rediscover your emotional balance and wellbeing.

Using hypnosis to help overcome morning sickness

Anyone who has suffered with morning sickness will tell you how absolutely awful it can be.  It is a very odd time for women as the elation and excitement of being pregnant is often subdued by the intermittent or, often non-stop feelings of nausea, low energy, dizziness and vomiting.  There is no magic pill that will take it away and none of natural remedies are guaranteed to work.  It is something that you know you just have to put up with, in the knowledge that at some point (for most it is around 12 weeks, but for others it can continue longer) it will stop.

No one really understand what causes morning sickness, but it is believed to be triggered by a combination of hormonal, physical and emotional changes that take place when a woman becomes pregnant. 

Some say it may be nature’s way of preventing the mother from eating foods that are not helpful to her or her baby for example women completely go off things like tea, coffee, wine and, believe it or not, even chocolate! However in research studies, far more women went off foods that are recommended as being good for her baby such as fish, eggs or meat.  This is particularly interesting as in a study comparing anthropological reports of 27 societies[i], the seven societies for which morning sickness was completely unknown rarely ate animal products, relying instead on corn, rice, tubers, and other plants.

Most websites and pregnancy resources will tell you that morning sickness is considered a normal part of pregnancy quoting that up to 80% of women (in our society) will get it.  However there is considerable research, including a study that came out in Germany this month (January 2013), which has shown that psychosocial variables have a clear influence on incidents of morning sickness including levels of stress, social support and emotions relating to being pregnant.[ii] Stress in particular has been shown to increase the incidence and severity of morning sickness[iii],[iv] as an Increase in cortisol (stress hormones) leads to highs and lows of blood sugar which bring on the bouts of morning sickness.

Another theory is that it may also be nature’s way of getting a mum to slow down, to take better care of herself, and to begin her journey to becoming a mother by ensuring that she begins to be more aware of the effect her actions have on her baby.

Which ever view you hold, morning sickness is something that is very common, and in most cases is considered to be a positive element of pregnancy - statistically morning sickness reduces the likelihood of miscarriage, pre-term birth, low birth weight and perinatal death.

However, if you are suffering from morning sickness you probably do not really care what the theories are or why you have it – you probably just want ideas on how to reduce or get rid of it.

There are several natural ways to help reduce morning sickness including acupuncture, acupressure, taking ginger, peppermint, eating bland foods and grazing rather than eating big meals. Another way that has helped many women, including the Duchess of Cambridge is by using hypnotherapy.

So what is Hypnotherapy?

Hypnotherapy (ie using the state of hypnosis for a therapeutic outcome) involves listening to a therapist in person or on a CD, who will use calming, relaxing words, imagery and often music to guide you into a relaxed state. Once in this relaxed state (when you are in fact still aware of your surroundings and could, if you wanted to open your eyes and interact) you listen to specific positive suggestions to help you reframe or change the way you currently respond to things.  All things in life have a cause and an effect, for example you hear your name so you respond, you feel hungry so you eat, you stuck in traffic so you feel stressed etc. The suggestions given when you are in this relaxed state are based on the premise that you can not usually change the cause but you can change how you respond. Because the conscious part of your mind (the critical, analytical part of you) is resting, you become very open and accepting of these positive suggestions and they become a new way for you to deal with the difficulties you were facing before.

So how can hypnotherapy help a woman experiencing symptoms of morning sickness?

As already discussed, stress can play a significant part in the onset and severity of morning sickness. However, reducing stress consciously or on demand is a difficult thing to. Hypnotherapy helps you do this on several levels. Firstly the simple fact that you are taking time out (usually about 30 mins) to relax and switch off means that you are reducing the body’s levels of stress hormones, calming your thoughts and focusing on positive feelings. Secondly whilst in a deeply relaxed state you are listening to positive suggestions about releasing any tension or stress and replacing them with calmer, more positive feelings. And thirdly whilst in hypnosis you take on new ways of dealing with the stress once you are out of hypnosis and dealing with your daily life (called a post hypnotic suggestion).  By being calmer, more relaxed and less stressed the symptoms of morning sickness will reduce.

The second key factor is to help you reframe your thoughts and feelings about food and smells giving you positive suggestions to change your response such as imagining (and so having) a minty or lemony taste in your mouth which replaces the unpleasant sensations and to be attracted to foods that feel and are good for you.  According to the latest reports on the Duchess of Cambridge 'The hypnotherapy is taking away any negative thoughts connected with food from the morning sickness, and replacing them with cravings for healthy, nutritious food”.

Whilst in hypnosis you also learn an easy and quick to use technique to bring about feelings of positivity, energy, and a fresh lemony taste when you going about your daily routine. This can be a really useful tool to instantly feel better at any time of night or day.  Additional positive suggestions for overcoming morning sickness would include: better quality sleep; more comfortable digestion; more effective use of energy; feeling/being calmer when dealing with every day issues; and increasing water intake.

This form of Hypnotherapy is not just for the rich and famous, my “Overcome morning sickness” CD  (£11.99) helps pregnant women to deal with nausea and morning sickness through by listening to the cd in their own home. A survey carried out in conjunction with Pregnancy and Birth Magazine, found that 10 out of 10 mothers would recommend this CD to a friend and 9 out of 10 felt significant benefit from using it. Second  time Mum Mandy said: "After listening to your CD I stopped being sick after meals. The nausea only comes back very occasionally, and my appetite has improved almost back to normal!  I wish I'd known about it for my last pregnancy, as I suffered really badly until about 18 weeks. I'll certainly recommend the CD to my friends."

The CD is available from www.natalhypnotherapy.co.uk, www.amzon.co.uk or www.nctshop.co.uk

---

[i] http://www.news.cornell.edu/releases/May00/morning.sickness.hrs.html - Morning sickness is Mother Nature's way of protecting mothers and their unborn, Cornell biologists find

[ii] http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17905253 Relationships between nausea and vomiting, perceived stress, social support, pregnancy planning, and psychosocial adaptation in a sample of mothers: a questionnaire survey.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23232775 Nausea and Vomiting of Pregnancy: Prevalence, Severity and Relation to Psychosocial Health

[iii] http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17207743A comparison of different severities of nausea and vomiting during pregnancy relative to stress, social support, and maternal adaptation.

[iv] http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/14675977 Psychological health in early pregnancy: relationship with nausea and vomiting

No woman should be lonely at her birth

I received a letter today from a long lost friend. I have not seen her in years and was not really aware of her situation now. She had been in my life when I was pregnant with my 2nd and 3rd child. She was a newly trained midwife then who arranged a belly cast for my third child, had helped me at a big exhibition, had done early morning yoga with me and had offered to come to the birth if my midwife could not make it. We lost touch when she left midwifery. Her letter has really moved and touched me.

Firstly because it was a “letter” – you know, a real one that comes in the post. Secondly, because she has written it with such raw honesty. Thirdly because I realise now how incredibly fortunate I have always been to have such a great network of support around me when I was pregnant. My friend is not so lucky. She has just moved to a remote part of France and is 8 months pregnant with her second child. She has no family there, no friends, no support network, no phone, no car, no computer and she is terribly, terribly lonely. She wrote asking that I remember her for her blessing way and that if I could send a small token for her to open or receive on that day it would make her feel connected to the “wise women” she has known in her life.
As I read the letter in my small living room surrounded by my 5 noisy boys the tears began to flow down my cheeks. Slowly one by one they stopped what they were doing and asked me what the matter was. I could not get the words out to describe how sad I felt for my friend. The pain was so deep inside me – a pain that a woman can feel for another woman who has been denied the most fundamental support when she is about to bring a new life into this world. Of course she has the support of her partner, but she is missing the loving empathetic support of other women.

I can not be with her for the birth, but I can give her some of my time. With the loving support of my husband I will fly out to spend a night with her, to cook for her, to massage her, to go for a walk, to play with her daughter and to listen to her. All women need love, care and support when she comes to the end of her pregnancy so if you know anyone who is approaching that time, take an hour or 2 to spend time with her, to cook her a meal, to write her a letter, to let her know that you thinking of her. It will mean so much to her. So thank you to my sisters, my mother and my friends who did that for me. It is something I will always treasure.

Give your children a head start - word by word !

Language is one of the most powerful and influential ways to shape your child. The words we use and how we say things have an enormous influence on the way our children develop, how they behave and most importantly how they feel about themselves. 

Children will inherently do what they believe you expect them to do, as all they know about the world and how they fit in is from you. If you continually tell them they are clever, smart, funny, that they can do something, that you are proud of them - they believe this without a second thought. In the same way if a child is told they are stupid, no good, bad, naughty, trust you to do that, how can you be so silly - then they will also believe it to be true, and consequently behave accordingly. Not only does this make them feel those things, it also gradually wears away at their confidence and self esteem - the two things which hold people back more than anything else in the world. 

Children’s inherent need to be accepted by people around them, their amazing pace of development and their acceptance of things at face value means that they take everything in and are extremely suggestible. Young children do not yet have the little voice in their head that says, “what if, I must, I shouldn’t, If I do this, then this will happen etc.”, so they simply accept everything that goes on around them as they way things are - They have no other comparison.

There are two particular patterns of language which can have a major influence on your children. One is the “don’t do that, or xxx will happen” and the other is speaking about the behaviour of the child and not the identity of the child. 

The first pattern which is so common and yet can so often have the opposite effect is the use of “Do not do xxx”, especially when followed by “or yyy will happen”. Children’s minds are extremely literal and take in words at face value. Our brains are not capable of “NOT” doing something; we have to actually do it in our mind before we can think ‘not’ to do it. Let me give you an example. If someone were to say “Do not think of a Pink Elephant” what happens - You have to think of one, so as not to. Or if I say “ the cat is not chasing the dog”. The same applies. So by telling a child “do not touch that”, “don’t fall down or “don’t spill your drink”, they must get an image of touching, falling or spilling first. This has then actually given them the idea or suggestion to do exactly what you are asking them not to do. By making your suggestion in a positive way, that is by telling them what you DO want you are far more likely to have the desired effect. Such as ‘keep you glass upright, get safely down, keep your fingers away from the door’. You are both telling them that you expect them to succeed and so you are giving them an image of succeeding rather than failing. 

The second pattern has a more profound effect. So often parents tell their children off by attacking their identity - “you are a bad boy” “you are a naughty girl” “are you stupid or something?” The child takes this literally and feels that they, as a person are bad, naughty, stupid etc. when in fact it is certain behaviours that are inappropriate or wrong in a particular context (i.e. not socially acceptable). Again these feelings slowly wear down self-confidence and self esteem. Children of course need to know what is right and wrong in each circumstance such as running around a restaurant is not right but running around in the play ground is OK. It is therefore so important that you let your child know that the behaviour is inappropriate, so rather than “you really are naughty boy” say “running around in a restaurant is naughty”. Again this will make sure they know what is right and wrong without making them feel bad as a person. 

So here is your challenge. For the next week, really think about the way you speak to your child. Listen to yourself. When you catch yourself giving them negative suggestions, think of a different way of saying it to get the result you want. As you do this more and more, you find that you actually start to see their actions and behaviour in a different way. You start to see them succeed rather that visualizing them failing. The more you see them succeed... the more you find that they do. 

Babies and toddlers really are like sponges. They soak up everything that is going on around them. Their little brains are developing faster than at any other time in their lives. This is when patterns of speech and the way they think are created and set. What better gift can you give them than the power of positive thinking, self-confidence and the belief that they can achieve anything they set their heart to do. You may think that that is a bit over the top as we are only taking about babies. It is not. We are talking about creating a pattern and a way of thinking which will stay with them for the rest of their lives and the lives of their children.